Name : Ratna
wilis
SRN : 1301120883
second draft
sliegh
bells (giring giring) dance
One of the best
danced in central Kalimantan is sleigh dance. Sleigh bells dance is one
of the dance areas and districts of
Central Kalimantan and Barito in particular. For example, for the people of
Central Kalimantan and Barito regency, danced bells are overflowing expression
of excitement and pleasure of the community. Next ,sleigh bells danced supplies
are thin bamboo contains seeds pinding. For example, sleigh bells brought by
the dancer is thin bamboo (telang) contains the seeds "Piding" and
shaken to create rhythmic tones are the bells. Than, the popular of sleigh bells danced in central Kalimantan dan regancy Barito. For
example, the dance was popularized by the Dayak tribe
Ma'anyan and danced in joyful events, welcoming guests as well as a distraction
to the parties or a particular event. And, sleigh bells dance is also used as a
social dance among young people. After that, Sleigh bells danced when there is an event. For example, of the events such as welcoming guests as well as a distraction to
the parties or a particular event. In concluding, as the younger
generation should preserve, study, and preserve the traditional sleigh bells dance
from extinction.
Sleigh
bells(Giring Giring) dance : dance in Central Kalimantan and
Barito regency.
Barito in particular : one of regancy in
kalimantan.
Piding : content of piding.
the Dayak tribe Ma'anyan : Ma’anyan
is one of tribe Dayak.
thin bamboo (telang) :
like slim bamboo.
1. - Topic sentence is Correctly, supporting sentence there are not correct, and concluding sentence is not correct.
BalasHapus- Topics already dealing with a topic sentence.
- Controlling the idea has become a particular topic in the topic sentence.
2. - sentence first and second support already associated with the topic but not supporting the third and subsequent.
- Supporting the third and subsequent sentences are not given examples / minor.
3. Concluding sentence has Become an integral part of the topic and supporting details.
4. This paragraph has unity and coherence, if supporting sentence be improved and made sentence examples / minor.
Happy writing !!!
In My Opinion:
BalasHapus1.
- The topic sentence, Supporting sentence are Clearly, but not for the concluding sentence. The topic sentence and supporting sentence presented clearly and support each other.
- For the topic and controlling ideas, i thought that a good topic, it can mentioning the topic of the paragraph and you indicated it correctly. I can found the topic easily. For your controlling ideas clearly stated in your paragraph and you make it is restricting the topic to be the specific
2. For the Supporting sentence, they are sufficiently stated.
it can supporting the topic sentence very well.
3. For the concluding sentence, you made the concluding sentence not correctly with your topic. Your concluding sentence can not summarizing the main points/subtopics or restating the topic sentence very well. In concluding sentence you have to make it can answer question "why Giring Giring dance be one of the best dance from central kalimantan, you can give your opinion on it.
4. You used the transitional signals very well and they are sufficiently presented in your paragraph.
in my opinion :
BalasHapus1. topic sentence :
* I think "the best" is not relevan because in our city many other dance the best to, I think you can change with for example "the beautiful" or the "unique" etc.
* the controlling idea is make your topic sentence not strong with your experience, it is weak controlling idea. you must change it.
* and the topic sentence not clearly, because I still confuse with your argument.
2. supporting sentence :
* many signal order wrong position and many words it's must be capital but there is no capital.
3. concluding sentence :
* you just give the messege of the topic,there is noting explain again or summary your supporting detail.
4. you must do big rivision in your text ratna, you must write carefully for many detail what I said in point one until tree, and make it clearly.
Thanks Ratna I wish you luck :D